Sundown. A Dissertation on Prominent Vampiric Archetypes. By Aaron Micheal Kelly. 4th/4th/2014.
I like being scared just as much as I like scaring people. But lets face it, Vampires in film have come a long way since Max Shreck, Bela Lugosi and Klaus Kinski wore capes and acted like evil people. But even evil people need love. Take Blade for instance. Sure, the Blade Trilogy took liberties with the characterization, and relied on a great deal of bloody gore, though throughout, remained faithful to the vision of Marv Wolfman's overall styling. Blood, it seems, is a natural choice for horror, and may as well be just as shocking as if ten thousand maniacs had spilled pints of the bloody stuff just so they could satiate their rampant haemato-mania. Vampire theology 101:even though Dracula was weakened, he could still walk about by day, according to Bram Stoker. I believe it was as much an invention of the times as much as an infection upon the masses of popular culture. And do people really think that what began as Sheridan Le Fanu's brilliance gone insane has degenerated into this, the popular myth of no-ones reflection? Upon reflection, perhaps this does not bode well for the vampiric set. After all, suckheads deserve their place. A lot can be said for racism now that such colourful language has been introjuiced into vampo-centric unlifestyle. Life should be lived to the hilt, so all of you chop-happy Death-dealers out there, remember to sharpen those stakes and oil those swords. Contrariwise, any gun-toting Slayers should be aware that many fine venues in my fair city of Sydney are being overrun by G-men whose current political objectives include a citywide crackdown on cigarette smoking, and without cigarettes, most nightlife would shrivel up and die, to say nothing for those whose undead life-styles revolve around chain-smoking and rising after dark. Sucking Bastards! On a happy note, motel rates are up in Kings Cross, just like the general public. Anyhoo, my major gripe is this: who the hell outlawed the zombie-walk in this fucked up city? One out of every fifty True Zombies only wanted a snack, and the rest just had bad makeup skills. While I usually applaud the police for their constant unwavering devotion in combatting crime, the same cannot be said for the Australian Government. I say, promote Peter Garrett to office as Environmental Big-Whig, and sack the rest of those cowardly goddamned Pollies. Or else, bring back a truly terrifying and utterly draconian practice: leeching. As vampires well-know, many other bottom-feeding forms of life exist in the underground recesses of society, including but not limited to AFL supporters, a most violent and unruly breed second only to roving packs of rabid dogs, ex-Labor devotees, whose only thought is for unionism before union, and terrifying Academic Snobs, whose powers of Accumulated Knowledge may one day ruin my chances of getting laid by a hot chick. Before I resume my tired invective-laced rant, however, I must send a thank-you note out to any Chaos Mathematicians currently employed by the ACU in Strathfield for their unflappable support of my own Ideological Fetishes. Bellringers Unite! So the next time someone begs you for a cigarette, be kind and tell us where we should stick our butts. Smoke'em if you got'em people. I remain, Aaron Michael Kelly, Barkerian Cenobite.